300 lbs And Rising: All that glitters is not Goldin

There’s a scene in one of Orwell’s novels — not the pig book but the other one — where some guy is reading a speech about some country that’s the enemy, but then, in the middle of the speech, gets some note about some other country being the enemy and the first enemy country being a friend, and then goes on as if nothing had changed and the other country — the enemy, not the friend that was the enemy — was the enemy all along, not a friend. It’s kind of jumbled up, and you really don’t have any idea who’s the friend or the enemy at any given moment because it’s all subject to change.

Now I don’t need my superhero friend Captain Obvious (who stands right under criminals’ noses, but they don’t notice him — he stands for Truth) to tell you that right now, life at Boston University feels a lot like an Orwell-minus-pig-tale and doesn’t seem very much to be of its purported glorious ethos of Learning, Virtue and Piety.

Seriously, the last week’s been like a coven of sextuplets where Head Witch Della’s asking herself “Which witch is which witch?” Don’t ask me, cuz I’m scratching my head with the best of them.

I’m not talking about Halloween, where it’s understandably hard to recognize even your roommate under the Mask of Sociability. I refer to higher matters — namely, the whole deal with Goldin and Chobanian being moved around like Lord of the Rings figurines in a lonely dork’s boudoir.

So let’s break out the Bud Lite and take a trip down Memory Lane, shall we?

In 1971, John Silber becomes president of Boston University. He shoulders the burden for 25 years — i.e., until 1996, when Jon Westling replaces him. Silber stays on as chancellor, does a stint of acting president when Westling is given the old sack-a-roo. Silber has single-handedly armed BU with its arsenal of great professors and filled its coffers with tons of the right stuff. There’s a nationwide search for the ideal replacement for this fine gent, but he subverts it with a handpicked candidate — the ex-head of NASA, Daniel Goldin.

It looks like the horsing around is finally over, and we’ve reached a stable position. Sorry! On Friday, right before Goldin’s supposed to start his new job, he’s asked to go back to his telescopic studies of Uranus and the Milky Way. Naturally, Goldin’s offended. He donated all his furniture, prepared for the Big Move, and, all of a sudden — Boston, we have a problem!

The trusty Trustees (not to be confused with Trwstrynd Aylsquythe-Poynsenby) end up compensating Dan Goldin for his lion’s den of complaints, to the tune of approximately $2 million. That’s $1,999,980 more than I have in my bank account, or 2,898,550 Hershey bars you can buy for those hungry moments on the highway.

Those were the facts. As members of the BU community, we don’t need to go far to hear the conjectures and hypotheses. Silber Rex is a tyrant. Like Ahab in Moby Dick, he is an “ungodly, godlike man.” Also, like Ahab, he is prepared to go out on a limb to implement his wishes. Goldin had asked that Silber would resign from his presidency emeritus and from his position of trustee. There can’t be room for the both of them at BU.

Goldin has actually worked in high-pressure situations and dealt with negative publicity (something which seems to be all too common at BU these days). Like Silber, he is hot-headed, charismatic — even tyrannical. However, his views seemed to be a lot more reasonable than Silber’s. Silber’s arrogance and high-handedness can be justified in a person acting in a private capacity, but too controversial for someone holding public office. Maybe that’s why he was so adept at bringing Boston University up by hand. But times change, and da hood needed a new president.

While Goldin was set on implementing his own policies regarding the running of Boston University, to the point that his temperament was cited as the primary reason for his job offer being rescinded, he seemed to be open to students’ points of view as well. Of course, we’ll never know how he would have carried out his Presidency, but Amy Horowitz’s column last Wednesday offered a unique and telling insight into the wonderful world of What Might Have Been. Those of us who don’t delete mass email — I, for example, treasure the breast enlargement ads — can also look up his letter to the BU community, where he says:

“In the coming school year, I intend to listen, consult and learn from you. My ultimate goal is to create a shared vision for Boston University that will take all of us to new levels of knowledge and accomplishment.”

This is a far cry from anything I’ve experienced with Silber in my two years here. It was always a struggle, with every damn thing — from guest policies to cable television to even our sex lives (for those of us who have one) — being a point of contention and a call to arms for pitched battle.

The reasons why a leader like Goldin was necessary are therefore fairly apparent. Instead of Goldin though, we get Chobanian. I could count on the fingers of one hand just how many people have ever heard of or care about Chobanian. We have no idea what his aims are, and while his friends and colleagues are all like “He’s chill, dude,” we know nothing about him! The man doesn’t even work on the main campus!

Even Mrs. Aram Chobanian didn’t know about her husband’s appointment! Now I am surprised myself, and you guys should take note that I turn 22 in a week, but such an unexpected event of such magnitude with no prior notification looks hardly auspicious even to me.

He might yet turn out to be the greatest (temporary) president BU’s ever had, but right now, Aram Chobanian seems to be the best of a scanty lot chosen in a moment of desperation. In Chobanian’s defense, he wasn’t given much time to consider his decision. According to all reports, he is an extremely competent man. The fact that he took on such a seemingly cursed position is a testimony to his enthusiasm and good nature if nothing else. While we can deduce that Goldin was a much better choice simply from the fact that Chobanian was never even considered for the presidency until things got desperate, we should be grateful for the fact that Chobanian took on the presidency at all.

It’s self-evident, as the special weekend edition of The Daily Free Press explained, that no capable candidate would take on this job at the moment even if you offered them honey-glazed pecan pie and cable television. I don’t think that this necessarily implies that Chobanian is an incapable candidate. I think it’s more of an indication of just how badly the Board of Trustees have failed to do anything right recently. Losing Goldin hurts, the loss of $2 million hurts, all this negative press hurts. The one possible bright side to this situation — Chobanian’s potential leadership — is a mixed blessing. I’m suspending judgment here, but at best Chobanian will remain the second-rate option, the runner-up if you will.

In the Trustees’ mass email to us, the Proletariat, the situation is talked about like the emergency that it is. John Silber’s resignation from the presidency/chancellorship and from the Board of Trustees makes me feel bad for the old man, who, after three decades of running Boston University, is exiting stage left in a blaze of negative publicity. You can suggest all the Listerine in the world, but another year of uncertainty and possibly more cronyism doesn’t take away the sour taste in my mouth.

En fin: The Board of Trustees have really messed this up, BU is the subject of ridicule on a national level and I don’t see any quick solution to our current problems. Colonel Piggywiggy seems to have it in for Winston Smith. But on the bright side, life goes on. And if you’re disappointed by the lack of humor in my column today, don’t worry: I’m still fat and girlfriendless; I still have no shame. And unlike Daniel Goldin, I’ll be back next week.

Arafat Kazi, a junior in the College of Communication, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press and can be reached at futhman@thewatsonbrothers.com.