 "Photo: frank ockenfels/PHOTO COURTESY")
Anthony Casasnovas: Hey Dave, the Grammy nominations were announced over two weeks ago and we’re just covering it today!
Dave Conklin: Quite sad that two nobodies from Boston University get to cover such a commercial and meaningless, but oh-so-glamorous event, wouldn’t you say? We don’t even get a nice little picture at the side of the article.
AC: You’d get doodled on anyway. A nice blue mustache, like the one you’ve tried to grow in multiple times. Anyway ... we’ve both downloaded music. Don’t you think it’s sad that in the era of diverse free music, the majority of the nominees are scraping the bottom of the talent barrel?
DC: Yeah. Boy bands, boxers, and a “revolutionary” white rapper. And in the midst of all this mediocrity, Steely Dan.
AC: Yet, on the other side, you have established and respected acts like Paul Simon, Beck, U2 and Radiohead. And Paul Simon won’t lose. He has less hair than most of the academy members. Make ‘em feel young Paul, make ‘em feel young.
DC: Radiohead’s “Kid A” probably scared a lot of people off. Did you see those animated bears with the swirling eyes and the dancing stick figures? Those are the things that keep Larry King waking up in a cold sweat every night. And Larry looks like an owl. An owl; by God, an owl.
AC: And when did we start nominating white teenyboppers in the Latin music category? I bet Tito Puente won’t even take home honorable mention despite his masterful swan song with Eddie Palmieri. These are real Latin artists, has Miss Aguilera even tasted the Hispanic wonders of Goya? No.
DC: Well she has to stay in shape; she’s up against the former WBC welterweight champion, Oscar De La Hoya. Thanks to Felix Trinidad, he sings like a neutered choirboy, and in English to boot. The admittedly white Faith Hill is up for song of the year with “Breathe,” which was last year’s big sappy love song. Commence vomiting.
AC: Against her is Destiny’s Child. Countless are the times I wish Mrs. Destiny had considered contraception. Same goes for Eminem’s mom. Just because you’re a white rapper under Dr. Dre’s wing doesn’t mean you deserve praise. Hell Dave, you’re a lot whiter than him. I don’t know where I was going with that, I’d just thought I’d mention it. You’re very white.
DC: Yes, perhaps that is why I find myself loathing the entries in this year’s Best Dance Recording Category. Jennifer Lopez can barely act, let alone sing. Eiffel 65? Right Said Fred deserved a nomination more than those guys.
AC: Moby is better than this category, isn’t he? Sadly, I can no longer watch another sporting event because of the Baha Men. Whoof.
DC: You haven’t mentioned any rap-rock. Both Kid Rock and Limp Bizkit are nominated for Best Hard Rock Performance. They’re competing with Pearl Jam, their counterparts Stone Temple Pilots—I feel like an angst-filled teen again—and the now Zack de la Rocha-less Rage Against the Machine. Wannabees versus has-beens. Surprisingly, Steely Dan was left out of this category.
AC: Maybe if they had remixed a Metallica song or rapped over a 1960’s TV theme song, they would have been considered. Take a look what’s happened to rap. There used to be great albums like “Yo! Bum Rush the Show,” but now we’re stuck with DMX’s “And Then There Was X.” The difference: despite its title, DMX’s album is far from political. Mystikal’s thought-provoking “Shake Ya Ass” cannot compete with the egotistical ID card that is Eminem’s “The Real Slim Shady.” I long for the days of Boogie Down Productions.
DC: We’re about out of space here, so I am going to make some predictions. Paul Simon will win. Macy Gray will win. U2 might win. Steely Dan will wonder why they were nominated, as will the rest of the viewing audience.
AC: I predict that I will spend another weekend alone. In my room, with a cold box of Parmalat. Listening and dancing interpretively to Divinyls.
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