 "Photo: Frank Ockenfels Lii/PHOTO COURTESY")
DAVE: Anthony, did you happen to catch the halftime show?
ANTHONY: Yes, Dave. We watched it together, remember?
D: Why did Ben Stiller feel the need to affiliate himself with *NSYNC, and do I really care?
A: You would think that after starring in a movie alongside former BU student Paul Reubens, the man would have recognized real talent where it lies — behind a plain gray suit and red bow tie.
D: I, for one, am as happy as “Uncle” Scrooge McDuck swimming through his piles of gold coins — backstroking, free-styling and paddling in the midst of billions — that Adam Sandler reared his talentless head during the pre-performance parody. Sure, he was in “The Waterboy,” and no, I haven’t bothered seeing it. But sooner or later, he’s going to run out of situations in which to use his multiple (read: four) dumb voices. I want a giant tower full of gold coins, quack.
A: I’ve seen many football movies, and “The Waterboy” easily earns my seal of approval.
D: But you liked “Little Giants,” and that was the last time anyone saw Rick Moranis alive.
A: Moranis? I love that guy! Actually, Dave, his last movie was “Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves.” No, I take that back — it was “Big Bully,” which was the last time anyone saw Tom Arnold sober.
D: Wow, I never knew you were such a fan. Not that I care. I do find it ironic, however, that while remaining absent from the Boston Rocks compilation, Aerosmith found the time to perform with *NSYNC, Britney Spears, Mary J. Blige and Nelly. The Joe Perry Project must have been unavailable.
A: When *NSYNC took the stage, there were more young women on the field than both teams knew what to do with. The jeers of the beer-guzzling white folks who paid $350 to watch a boring football game were drowned out by both the pre- and barely post-pubescent screams of mindless, adoring fans. Dave, we need a band ... and lots of coke. Sobriety was the worst thing that happened to Robin Williams and Aerosmith.
D: Look at them now, past their prime like a steak at the bottom of a supermarket freezer, wrinkled like the skin on your grandmother you never see, and missing more marks than a blind rifleman with a severe case of the willies. I sure do hate those willies. Why are these guys still performing? It can’t be for money, fame or respect. Meatloaf once said, “two out of three ain’t bad.”
A: Don’t trust anyone who names himself after meat commonly cooked with an egg in its center, or any meat for that matter. Speaking of pieces of meat, I’m hungry.
D: I was expecting a Britney Spears comment.
A: I tried to time my bathroom run around her performance. I really wanted to miss it. I tried my best, but I only missed that commercial everyone talking about. Dave, can you hold for a second? I got a call on my cell.
D: You don’t own a cell phone. Your cordless isn’t ever charged. Britney Spears’ performance aroused a need for evacuation from my other end—my mouth. Rants, blood, the purple stuff everyone passes up for Sunny D and vomit were spilled Sunday night. Even the almighty, motion sickness-inducing EyeVision TM pales in comparison to the lack of talent displayed onstage Sunday evening. Miss Spears has to get a buzz cut, do an infomercial and stop the insanity now!
A: I’d like to clear a little confusion viewers were suffering during the game. In response to the hype the XFL has garnered, the NFL has agreed to let the Wachowski Brothers direct next year’s Super Bowl.
D: In similar news, Kevin Costner is gearing up to direct a three-hour, post-apocalyptic Little League epic, entitled “The Last Umpire,” starring Joe Piscopo.
A: I thought Aerosmith was supposed to be performing with Kid Rock and Run DMC, or was that for an MTV Awards show? Instead I got Nelly and Mary J. Blige. Nelly’s lyrical “skills” were wasted, as he was barely audible over the mix of screams and pre-recorded vocals. And that just leaves poor Mary...
D: She looked lost. Like that time you left me in FAO Schwartz without my pants, surrounded by little plastic men.
A: At least you weren’t surrounded by those wall-mountable singing fish. I have one in my bathroom. I think it’s broken; it doesn’t stop laughing at me. Anyway, who came up with the idea to mix boy band dancing with a testosterone-injected sport like football? I don’t mind Steven Tyler passing his hands all over Joe Perry’s shoulders, but I draw the line at blatant homo-erotica to draw viewers and ratings. Not only is it a shameless ploy, but it also leaves me feeling cheap and used. As is Steven Tyler wearing an Aerosmith t-shirt onstage. That’s unforgivable and shameless self-promotion.
D: Everyone enjoys watching a bunch of young sweaty men, running around with bulging crotches, shoulders and, in some cases, guts, hiking a ball between their legs so they can get a chance to pile onto each other. You’ve got to credit the players for their enthusiasm to get to know one another in such a personal way.
A: And on that note...
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