HOOK: A date with misfortune

Though I rarely like to use this column for my own personal gain -- aside from the time I used it to promote my semi-autobiographical comic book about a boy who travels through time solving mysteries, called JustIn Time -- today I must make an exception. You see, one year ago today, I went on a date. A date with destiny.

Destiny Higgins -- brown hair, about 5-foot-4. Well, I thought it was going pretty smoothly at first, but as the night went on, things went increasingly sour, partly because I kept making "date with destiny" jokes. After that night, she stopped returning my calls. So I'd like to use this opportunity to issue a public apology to Destiny.

Next week, I'll feature an official apology to my readers for wasting their time. The week after that, an official apology to the Doritos company. You said you could make your chips "nacho cheesier," and I doubted you. I was ever so wrong. Then I will offer an apology to my Aunt Karen for eating the plums that were in the icebox. Forgive me. They were delicious. So sweet and so cold. Just like Destiny. After that, I will resume my regular column with my farewell address. So without further adieu, this is my apology to Destiny.

Dear Destiny,

First, I apologize for calling you cold just a second ago. That was just a joke. The sweet part was not, however. I meant that you were sweet in a metaphorical sense, not in the way one describes fruit as being sweet. I in no way think you resemble a plum. Except when you wear that purple dress.

I want to explain myself for what happened last Feb. 14. I know initially you thought I was underdressed, but, as you would later find out, it's not a good idea to wear nice clothes to play paint ball. Really, that was your mistake. I offered you some of my roommate Bill's clothes, but you chose not to take them.

As we were leaving, I remarked, "What, were you born in a barn?" But I think you misunderstood. Someone born in a barn would probably be more likely to close the door, since they don't want the animals to get out. So you see, I was attempting to complement you. Again, your mistake.

I know you don't think the T is the most romantic way to travel on Valentines Day, but if you think about it, it resembles the romantic horse and carriage more than any other form of travel. Sure, it may smell awful and take a long time but, hello, have you ever sat behind a horse? Slowest and smelliest way to get anywhere. And they usually end up taking you in a circle anyway. So you see, the T is actually better. Yeah, you're welcome.

I thought it would be nice to stop for drinks before dinner, but when I led you into the GSU, you seemed more than a little upset. I don't really know what else I could have done. If you had been willing to cut your hair, you totally could have used Bill's old ID at a real bar, but you childishly insisted on looking like a girl, so what's wrong with a fountain drink? The GSU's the best place for them, because you can pay with Dining Points. Plus, it's right down the street from Beijing Cafe.

You have to admit though, that Beijing was totally the right choice. We were the only people in the restaurant, so we had one-on-one attention. They cleared our plates the second we were finished. In your case, they even cleared them before you were done eating. You can't beat that kind of service.

But when I said, "The water here's really good," I wasn't trying to prevent you from buying a drink. I was just stating a simple fact. And no, I didn't plant your fortune cookie. It's not my fault that the cookie manufacturers think you need to lose weight too.

Now I know you thought going out for ice cream afterwards was a bad idea, considering the wind-chill was 10 below zero, but once again I think if I explain myself you will come around to my point of view. We could have gone to Finale or something and gotten really expensive, tiny desserts, scarfed them down in 10 seconds and been out 20 bucks. We could have done that. Or we could have gotten ice cream for ridiculously cheap and not waited in any lines, since none of the other suckers out there were getting ice cream. Then we could have taken our sweet time -- sweet time, get it? -- eating it, because first off, it's hard to eat ice cream when you can't move your jaw, and secondly, the weather would keep it cold naturally. No rush, no mess! It's about value; I just wanted you to have the best value.

But having skipped ice cream, we went straight back to my dorm to watch a movie. Bill would have been gone, but since we got back so early, he was still there, and I couldn't very well just kick him out. But once he found out I had rented Pink Floyd's The Wall, well, he's only human.

Which raises the question: What are you, a robot? Who doesn't like that movie? But you have to admit, it's better the third time you watch it.

Then after the movie, instead of staying to play Halo with Bill and me, you just decided to go home. We had a very good time after you left. Maybe if you had stayed with me you would have had a good Valentine's Day after all.

I hope this sufficiently clears up any misunderstandings you may have had. As you can see, I had planned the perfect date, but I guess even the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. If you find yourself alone this Valentine's Day, and I think there is a good chance you will, I urge you to give me another shot. You'll see. I'm really quite great. I even rented The Color Purple. Your favorite color! See, I remembered.

Do you think mice make plans?

Sincerely,

Justin, a.k.a. "Hot Stuff"

Justin Hook, a junior in the College of Communication and College of Arts and Sciences, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He is also single and will be for a long time. Justin can be reached at jbhook@bu.edu.