HINES: Judgment day: Free will is dead, unlike your fetus

Welcome to America! Leave your civil liberties at the border and get ready to taste that sweet freedom. You know, that burning sensation when you pee? It's not a urinary tract infection. It's freedom, baby -- and one thing is certain: Freedom ain't free.

When I was young, I remember thinking I could say anything -- crazy things like "butthead." Parents and teachers would scold me for my potty mouth. I had to wash my mouth out with soap once, but only once. Even at a very ripe age, I would reassure these disciplinarians, "It's a free country!" I'll say "buttface" as many times as I want. And I do, so don't cross me.

Those were the days. Back then, I actually thought the world was a big open field that revolved around me and my freedom. The only boundaries were the limits of my imagination.

These days, I know better. I understand there are rules and guidelines. And so do decision makers. You see, if one bad apple spoils the whole bunch, I hope you like rotten apples. The way I see it, freedom is like a barrel of rotting apples.

Let me explain. In America, all that is needed to destroy our civil liberties is that guy. That guy could be a politician or CEO. He could be a military general or bad cop. It doesn't matter, because that guy is a decision maker.

In my final column, I could expend my energy -- making value judgments on this or the other American crises. I probably will, too; it's hard not to as a political columnist. However, I wonder if the real American crisis could be this tendency to judge.

Just recently, the U.S. Supreme Court took a baby step on the face of your freedom. In a 5-4 ruling on a federal abortion ban, the Supreme Court upheld the criminalization of partial-birth or late-term abortion, a procedure that can prevent major complications if necessary. And why? Because that guy loves feti (or fetuses, your call).

It's troubling. Honestly, who gets off telling women they can't have a procedure that could save their life because that guy has a fetus fetish? That guy, of course, because he is a decision maker. He doesn't care about you, your freedom or your circumstance. That guy cares about your fetus. Apparently, your complicated pregnancy is his freedom. Good luck.

I'm sorry, but the religious right has issues -- issues like gay-marriage, abortion and intelligent design. Perhaps Americans are apathetic because it's so horrible watching people like Bill O'Reilly and Nancy Grace dispute the fundamentals of our freedom.

That guy has a conscience. Good for that guy. But what about this guy or that other guy? Well, they aren't making a peep. In America, where the squeaky wheel gets the oil, you can't hide from God.

Bill Clinton learned this lesson firsthand when those guys pried into his personal life and made a mockery of the impeachment process. Nowadays, senators get nearly accosted for even proposing a censure or official reprimand. Sen. Russ Feingold (D-Wis.) learned this firsthand when he suggested a censure of the president for granting domestic wire taps without a legally required court order.

Does this sound like freedom? In Taiwan, political representatives were throwing shoes in the legislature. Even the British get to hoot and holler at the Prime Minister every Wednesday in the House of Commons. Yet, C-SPAN is drier than dead leaves. The only thing worse than oppressed people is oppressed politics.

This new political game puts you and me in an uncomfortable position. We're forced to sacrifice personal freedoms and values for the prospect of homeland security, political stability or some collective sense of morality. I'd rather just throw a shoe at Dick Cheney. Like a hiking boot with a really chunky heel. Take that, Dick.

Then again, the current political climate could be just right for assault and battery on Capitol Hill. The Grand 'ol Party is being a Grand 'ol Pain-in-the-Pants ever since the Dems took the majority of the legislature. They're asking, "What happened to bipartisanship?"

Bipartisanship was thrown out the window with the Constitution when that guy sold his soul to the religious right and set in on his righteous campaign of scare tactics and the scaling back of civil liberties.

Imagine sitting in church, and everyone gets up to sing a hymn. No one reads music, so they rely on that guy to carry the congregation. Unfortunately, that guy has a really annoying voice, and everyone around him wishes he would just stop trying so hard. It's a tough decision to make: follow along for fear of eternal damnation or throw your hymnal at his brain stem.

That guy in the Oval Office had his chance. He could have delivered a blow to the religious right with the appointment of Harriet Myers to the Supreme Court. If bipartisanship was such a high democratic value, that guy shouldn't have second guessed himself. We all know how much Americans hate flip floppers.

Instead, that guy installed Samuel Alito to appease his God-fearing friends and, thus, the abortion ban. Still, this is bigger than the baby battle. That guy is nearing seven years in office, and he is flippin,' because his war is floppin' (as is his political staff). In its pursuit to protect life, the religious right has wholly excluded open-mindedness as an option for saving lives.

So with your minds open wide, hear this once more: Freedom is like a barrel of rotting apples. And it's not most of the apples' fault. Fault really doesn't even matter, though, because the whole barrel is spoiling. Who or what planted the bad seed? How did that nasty apple even get there in the first place?

If we plan to learn anything from this war, we'll have to look right in its face -- its holy, bloody, disfigured face. And please, let's learn something from this war. Blaming someone is only half the fun. Blaming something is equally important.

And vote. As members and leaders of what's becoming an international global community, America has a golden opportunity to really screw everything up. Don't let the world blame you.

About that burning sensation, I was only kidding. You should really get that checked out.

Greg Hines, a senior in The College of Arts and Sciences, has been a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at ghines@bu.edu.